


Catalyst

by alabandical



Category: Stargate LRP UK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:25:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alabandical/pseuds/alabandical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Brigadier looked as though he may faint.  "Flash is WHAT?!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own anything to do with the show Stargate. I also acknowledge that the players who created these characters within the Stargate universe have moral ownership of them. I hope you’ll like what I wrote about your characters, and thank you for inspiring me. But if you don’t like it, just let me know. This fic is, or may be, somewhat AU as sometimes the facts just get in the way of a good story. Is any of it true? FOIP.
> 
> If you want to play for yourself, find out more here: http://larp.me/systems/stargate/

As his eyes skimmed around the room looking for Maya, he missed her at first, until he realized that she and Calvin were seated side-by-side in the gloom at the back of the room. They were facing in different directions, as if to convey that only by awkward accident had they ended up quite so close, and to deflect any suspicion of one hand in another. As he looked he felt a sudden pain, and wondered if he had somehow been injured without noticing. He realised that he had started feeling this harrowing constriction every time he saw them. An angry, aching hollowness, like he was starving to death in front of a four-course meal.

*

The great love of his life to date had been a young nurse from Mozambique working for MSF. Their backgrounds as distant as the poles, they nonetheless shared an exuberant and unconventional approach to life which somehow enabled them to bridge all the barriers. At the time he had assumed it would work, hadn’t given any thought to it really. But they wanted too much that was different, that had to happen in different parts of the world. In the end it was Auguste who had taken the responsibility for ending it; and Ray ran away to the sea.

*

“No, let’s not take it from the top. Let’s take _you_ from the top and see if we can’t transform you into something marginally more useful, like, oh I don’t know, a golf-cart.” There was a pause while the man who had spoken rubbed the heels of his hands wearily into his eyes. “OK, that will do for today, thank-you. I see that I have a visitor and I feel sure that his arrival supercedes any other commitments that I may, in a moment of weakness, have made.” As the door banged behind the unfortunate departed, he smiled warmly at Ray, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief. “Fucking shrinks, I fucking hate them. And I think this one’s a bit …you know…” He gestured eloquently. “I really just can’t get comfortable around him. It may not be politically correct, but I’d rather have a troop made up from the alumni of the Cheltenham Ladies College than have just one bloke in there that I can’t turn my back on. But I digress. I am, as it states on my door, Brigadier Kincaid. You must be Doctor Gordon. Glad to have you on the team.”

*

It hadn’t taken long – about three days, probably – for him to realize that he’d found the place where he belonged. He liked everything about the job, the people… and he _loved_ going through the gate. An instant of subconscious uncertainty and suddenly he was hit by a wave of musty, humid air, or a biting frozen wind. Stepping from a moonlit autumn night into a fresh spring morning, it just didn’t get old. He threw himself into his work and was rewarded as he learned things that no other human could lay claim to knowledge of. He couldn’t talk to many people about it, of course. But somehow he didn’t notice as his friends fell away. Until he started getting that funny pain whenever he looked at Calvin and Maya, and suddenly he understood how lonely he was.

*

He was across the room when he noticed Maya talking to Modeski, and something about the anxious, communicative glance that Joe threw him as she spoke told him what the topic was. And, then, again, when she was talking to Lucky, their heads bowed close together, he _knew_. Was she upset that he hadn’t told her? They had become quite close before… before she and Calvin…. No. He thought he knew her pretty well by now. Doesn’t like deceit, won’t stand for any sort of intolerance. A cold trickle of sweat found its’ way down his spine as understanding dawned. No, she – she didn’t know, she didn’t understand – he had to tell her – the consequences – oh god, she was fucking _outing_ him.

*

He’d never not been out. His privileged, loud, arrogant, lively family was too vividly energetic to raise a shy or inhibited child. It had been inconceivable, really, that he would spend any time or thought on the idea of hiding some aspect of himself so central to his nature. His charm and self-confidence also shielded him sturdily against any sort of difficulty from the boys at school; indeed his popularity was such that even a few of the tiny fellows in his prep school class affirmed that they too ‘would like to kiss boys’ in the hope of gaining his favour. It caused a minor kerfuffle, that one; the head teacher, shocked by his precocious, innocent lasciviousness and its’ effect on his peers, had implicitly branded him a deviant and required him to leave the school. Which he had done, to the vexation of his classmates and the delight of himself; and spent 6 months at Le Mans with his cousins before transferring to the Edinburgh Academy.

*

Somehow he hadn’t found anyone since he’d joined the UKGC. As he worked his way steadily across the room to Maya, he wondered about that. It wasn’t as if there was any shortage of cute fit blokes here. He personally didn’t have a uniform kink, but it was like having attractive wallpaper on a room, having all these guys around dressed up so nicely. There was no way he’d be interested in hand-holding some bi-curious straight tourist, but the numbers game suggested there’d be at least a few gay men here. And yet, he realised, he’d blocked them out, turned his head so as not to notice. What the hell was he afraid of? No-one could throw him out for this. He didn’t care what anyone said about him. But he couldn’t deny the anxiety gripping him at the thought that people would know. What the fuck had happened to him?

*

Watching Kincaid struggle with his emotions, to the extent where it would render him speechless for a moment. That was one of his favourite things about Alex. The way he would almost hop with glee when he was describing a new piece of kit for the armoury. The bruises that appeared around his eyes when he was tired and worried about his people and the responsibility weighed heavy. The rare treasured glimpses of who he was when he was off-duty; funny, manic, fierce, insecure. Somehow for Ray, Kincaid was the Stargate and the Stargate was Kincaid. And he couldn’t bear to lose either of them.

*

He was within reach now, he just had to lean over and touch her shoulder. And tell her… tell her what? That he was afraid of what would happen if people knew he was gay? She wouldn’t buy that for a minute. Kincaid couldn’t throw him out, and would have to behave himself. Ray’s own experience in the navy had showed him that most of the matelots didn’t turn a hair when they found out, and when it came to civilians they could care even less. Oh, there would be ways and means for Kincaid to freeze him out if he chose to; but it would be a toss up which of them would have to leave when it came down to it. Ray could look after himself. No, he wasn’t afraid of how Alex would feel about him. He was afraid of how he would feel about Alex. All this twisting and turning, to put off the inevitable moment when he would lose Alex’s friendship – the moment when he would be forced to acknowledge Kincaid for what he was, and to face the hateful twisted thing Alex nurtured in his heart. He drew back his hand and watched her make her way forward…

*

The Brigadier looked as though he may faint. “Flash is WHAT?!”

**Author's Note:**

> Storing these here in case LJ falls over for good. They're old but I'm fond of them.


End file.
